I only have about ten days until the end of my internship, and, quite fitting actually, I have started thinking about the future again, like how I was three months ago, but without the hysteria. The doubt, moreover, has returned. I ask myself this: Is art really the field I want to get into? This process of questioning, of course, might not be a bad thing. After all, commitment is not blindly sticking with our decision after it has been made. Being committed to something or someone means we continuously and consciously choose that something or someone while being continuously presented by other options as well. Making the choice is not and should not be easy.

I am having an extremely hard time proclaiming my choice right now, and I am being plagued by guilt over something I cannot really identify. Choosing art should be easy since I have already more or less made an outline of my life according to this choice. Here is how I see my future:

Internship---part time job (which I hope I can keep while I am in the next stage)--> study art --> practice professionally while working (use art/ Comm degree while saving money) --> Get an Master's degree (under consideration) --> start a business --> start a family and work/practice part time --> enjoy life and die happy

Moreover, I love art. Or, at least, I really really really like it. Friends and family seem to support me, and the timing and social conditions for endeavoring in the arts do not seem so bad as well. I am not saying that choosing to go into it professionally would yield to an easy and enjoyable life for me. It is certainly something worth doing, however. I think. Perhaps the real question is, do I want to tread along this direction and be forever identified as an artist? Just an artist. There are other things I could do that is less costly or more immediate and, perhaps, equally interesting. I will always be an artist, but I could be more. Or am I being too greedy? Going into the arts seem to be the natural thing to do, but do I want to just bank on that inclination, something like resting on one's laurels?


No, I think my plan looks good after all. I have to remember that art making is just a means, and I am merely going to develop an existing skill to be able to achieve something greater. I should not be worried about being "just" an artist. I should not even think about myself as an artist too much in the end. I am first a human being trying to make the most of the life she has been given. I maybe investing in the arts too much or I may be investing in something that would not yield anything much in the future, but I should just go for it anyway. I can still explore other things in the future if things do not turn out the way I planned or if I find something better to do. And it is in our very nature to always ask, is there something more? It is, however, important that I am doing something now and that I have a plan. We are not going to get anywhere if we stay afraid of making the wrong choice.

Do I have my whole heart and mind in this decision? Of course not. Never. Or maybe sometimes, but not all the time. But I think it is a good choice nonetheless. It might not be the best though, but why do choices we make have to be the best. Do we even have the ability to really identify the superior or inferior choices? The important thing is we make a choice. I'm going to leave things to Fate now or, at least, until I start asking again.


So when my contract expires, what will I be doing next? I think it is best to stay productive. I plan on focussing on making my portfolio, and I hope to have something quite impressive by March next year. I also want to find a paying job, something I can keep for years even if I find myself in an academe again. This way, I can help my parents with my upkeep and further invest in myself and other things like other potential money-generating projects which would also contribute to my ultimate goal: enjoy life.

What kind of paying job am I looking for? I DO NOT REALLY KNOW FOR SURE RIGHT NOW. Yeah, that is a bit of a problem, but I think I will find it. I hope it would be something I enjoy as well though. I also do not know how to go about choosing. Should I wait for June so that I can find work near the school or so that I can see if student life can really accommodate the additional work? Should I stick to project-based jobs, the contractual type?

I was having troubles concentrating since the second week of July until recently. Writing this is still actually a bit of a chore. I have already spaced out several times in the middle of typing and un-typing the first sentence! Moreover, my abilities to sleep better and to feel sleepy have been restored just yesterday so if I am not spacing out, my body is attempting to shut
down.

The not-sleeping-well-for-a-month, which most probably caused the concentration problems and the weariness, has affected my drawing practice for the past weeks. As an attempt to ingrain discipline in myself as well as to improve my still-lacking art skillz, I have decided to go back to drawing in my drawing journal everyday or, at least, when I can, as well as produce something a bit more serious or less doodley every week. But I could not think of anything to put on paper for those times! Last week, though, I was able to draw something, or, at least, doodle and come up with an idea to go around this barricade of sorts.


( The formation of dark clouds )

These past few weeks, just coming from a busy season at "work", i have been suffering from lack of sleep, which escalates the stress level I am experiencing. It has been so hard to think straight, and I've been switching back and forth from being an insomniac to a constantly unsatisfied narcoleptic. This is a side effect from my medication. Yeah, I'm kind of drug dependent right now, but the initial three months for my treatment is almost over so I am hoping they would decrease the dosage of my medicine. I do hope so because the really annoying and more-hindering-than-curing side effects are coming in waves at this point.  

It is affecting my drawing. Before, I'd more or less draw everyday. These three weeks or so, I could only doodle once or twice a week, and it is hard to produce serious shiz by the end of the week. Last time I posted something, I put June on my doodles. Although that's partly because of absentmindedness. The absentmindedness and the lack of ability to concentrate are the problems actually. Drawing, for me, is also thinking that is actually triggered by more thinking, and I cannot think properly. Of course, most doodles will always be doodles. 

The funny thing about all this, though, is that I am able to do research (as in the scholarly type) more effectively though. 

This weekend, however, I did find a way to go around my problem of not being able to think straight at times. The answer is, start making something without thinking at all! But there is actual thought or actual conceptualization that went behind it though. The actual art-making process, however, requires less contemplation because the medium would actually do the initial work for me. 

Also, I am sharing with you all this to further pressure myself into making something. I wasn't able to finish the set of drawings I am referring to because I had to accompany my mom with her errands, and I couldn't resist shopping/ window shopping for the house. Anyway, I PROMISE I AM ACTUALLY WORKING ON SOMETHING. I will try to finish the first sets this week. They're still experiments. I plan on working on the next sets next week, hoping to have mastered the materials I'm using more because I'm using them for the first time. I am excited to work on something bigger and expanding the concept, but I think that would extend to August. 

Again, to put pressure on myself, I HOPE TO START ON THOSE FAMILY PORTRAITS SOMETIME THIS AUGUST. I've been putting those off along with other pieces either because of problems with the medium or time/timing. I also need to come up with a decent portfolio if I want to study painting formally starting next year. June next year is my deadliest deadline. I'll try landing a job before that, hopefully something I can do part time even when I'm studying. 

I WILL ALSO DOODLE MORE EVEN IF I HAVE TO FORCE IT. For discipline and practice!!! 

I recently realized my birthday is coming up when my Mommy asked how I plan on celebrating it. I still do not have an idea. 

I recently read my Lourdes' birthday wish list. Her birthday is the day after mine. <3 I have decided to copy her post. Sorry, inggitera ako eh.


1. PAPER AND PADS
I value nature and the environment, but I do consume more paper than a lot of people I know. I really like paper a lot even, most of the time, I do not know what to do with them. 

For now, though, it'd be nice if I could get drawing paper or watercolor paper or thick paper you could use acrylic on.

2. DRAWING JOURNALS
Moleskin notebooks are very welcome, but I'm pretty cheap myself so any brand of good quality sketch books would be great. These things are for doodling, practice work, daily drawings and concepts anyway. Actual artworks happens only occasionally, but I do value these journals. I will keep them forever! 

3. PENCILS
Drawing pencils or graphite are my primary tools nowadays. I am running out of them. 

4. KNEADABLE ERASER

5. PAINT BRUSHES
Paintbrushes are expensive so I cannot buy lots of those. Czar also gave me a bottle of Japanese drawing ink and I would love to use those soon. 

6. GRUMBACHER ACRYLIC PAINT
I want to relearn acrylic. 

7. WINSOR & NEWTON ARTISAN WATER MIXER OIL PAINTS
I want to learn how to paint with oil, and this type might be suitable for me since our house is not very well-ventilated for oil painting and I have been told that this type of oils dries quicker than the real thing but does not dry as fast as acrylic.

8. SHIRTS
I'm running out of decent t-shirts.

9. STAEDTLER COLORED PENS
The ones Alfie gave me are running out of ink. I'm losing a couple of pens also. :( These things run my planner. I want the set with 20 pens, but the ones with 12 are okay too. I can't complain. Tatanggap lang naman ako eh. Hehe.

10. PREPARED CANVAS

(Yes, friends, costs for art materials are depleting my funds. Oh shirts aren't "art materials"! I would need a more or less solid portfolio also if I want to apply for an art degree.) 

11. ART BOOKS
I like picture books a lot. Paintings, illustrations, photography, How-to books, Origami, etc. 

12. BOOKS (LITERATURE) 
I may not have time to read them now, but, sometimes, when I get sad, I smell the paper and rub their spines. They comfort me. Before, I could just go to the book store and do all these, but I haven't had enough time for any of this, and that, too, is making me sad. 

I read almost anything except crime/horror/mystery unless you can somehow mix these genres with magic realism or fairy tales. I have been itching for a bit of romance also. :3 

13. HISTORY BOOKS
I like Classical History. Include Alexander the Great there. 

14. GIRLY STUFF
I like shiny things and cute stuff. Something unique or something from your travel would be nice also. 
Examples: bracelets, tiny animal dolls, hats, etc. 

15. FOOD 

16. A BIG LADIES' BAG 
I don't have a lot of ladies' bags, and I have so much stuff! 

17. A JOB
I would like to get a paying job after my internship, something I can do while I'm in school. That is if I could get into school this coming October. If not, I'd like to have a job that I could do until June next year when the next school year starts or even after that. I need money for my vices and my activities. My lifestyle is a bit too expensive for my current condition. Plus I've graduated already. I want to help my parents with, at least, my upkeep. Raket na ito!!

 Though this week would be a ridiculously busy one, I am starting to become quite happy with my usual schedule. I get enough time in the office to doodle, which means I can draw almost everyday. I can also make something more serious each week, although I don't think I can do any serious drawing these coming weeknights. 

For last week, I have decided to draw my lover. I tried drawing him last year but I failed halfway into the drawing. I finally got to redo and finish the work, and I finally found out what went wrong when I couldn't finish the previous version. Alfie, himself, helped me see the parts that needed some retouching.

I also learned a few things about my drawing process and some stuff I'm not doing right. I am hoping Barlo's books can help me remedy the problem. Thanks, Barlo!

I really need someone to view my drafts, because I cannot see what's wrong with my drawings right away. I do feel if there is something wrong though, but it takes a really long while before I could spot the exact problem. It seems my now-long drawing process is not helpful in this aspect. Ehhh...  



The drawing is still not perfect, and the photo sucks, but I enjoyed drawing the planes and staring at my cute lover's photo.I miss my boyfriend. I want to draw him live! I haven't seen him since last Tuesday. That's not a long time, I know, but it's been a super stressful week for the both of us, and it might get worse.  

I'll take a nicer photo of the drawing tomorrow when there is sunlight. Hindi kase mataas yung maximum ISO ng camera ko eh. :| And I need to practice drawing more, and I cannot afford to feel frustrated. 

Oh, please pray for Alfie's Lola Ching Caballero who died last week. Please pray for Alfie's family also. They're going through a rough time. Thank you!

EDIT: 

I posted a "better" photo in my doodle tumblr: More from the doodle pad. Please see my tumblr for more doodles also! I hope you enjoy them. 

I feel that I am indulging myself to have posted this entry. However, I feel that putting into words the thought process and the fruits of this very personal project could be helpful to both myself and others who are going through the same daunting and almost literally dampening experience that is finding one's "self" and asserting that "self" through work.

( Context (More like spilling guts) )

What prompted me to engage in this project is another discovery about drawing. Prior to making this series, I made a drawing, a practice piece for drawing noses. I noticed that drawing calms me and that it enables me to think.  I doodle, and that's fun, but when I draw/ paint with a little bit more seriousness, patience and time, drawing becomes a good form of meditation. The theme I had used also contributed to the concept I wanted to explore in this endeavor. "Defeated by watermelon", as meditation and performance, thus, happened. 

I started stuck in a place where it feels like I've been taken over by life and the mishaps of my life, or like my life is happening, but I'm not really living it, thus the overgrown watermelon vines about to engulf me. I have been feeling quite outdated also since I haven't been honing my skills, especially my skills in the digital arts, something of an edge if I want to get into the "more lucrative" or, at least, the more in-demand creative jobs. Or I feel that there are just so many people who are much better and younger and more fit. Natural selection in the modern world would definitely destroy me.


The nature theme has always been close to me as well, including the overgrown plants and invading animals. I noticed I have been using it for years. I think it is beautiful as well as scary. Nature is a force. Nature is definitely something we should respect or else it would strike back if it hasn't already started making its counterattack. Nature will assert herself all the time. We are just part of nature. We are not its master though we are placed here to protect everything else in it. I want to think I've always had this kind of view and relationship with nature and with life in general, which makes the nature theme a good metaphor with what I'm going through recently.  

I used an old photo as reference for my portrait. For the vines, I used our very own watermelon plant. Using specifically watermelon has no special meaning really. I just think the leaves are pretty and the vines cascade beautifully as well. I admit I still cannot draw the leaves properly though, but drawing the leaves and the hair, which I've always enjoyed drawing, were the most helpful in letting me contemplate. Drawing the leaves was the most tedious part of the process, and it was enough time for me to wallow in the specific idea of this particular panel, which I hope is communicated through this drawing. 
( Read more... ) 

The project I have been working on is a series of self-portraits. I'm midway through the third, the last one actually. It has been on hold for more than a couple of days now. My original plan was to finish it last Monday. Unfortunately, I couldn't finish it. My rate really is two to three days for the size of paper I am using. 

I now have this really really really bad itch to finish it. I want to finish it, but I just don't have time. Using the time I have now for blogging is not enough so why bother. I cannot wait for the weekend, although I do not think I'd have time also. :( Since I am out so often during weekdays, I have to allot one weekend to do errands for the house/ family. 

I want to draw. :( Keeping this entry short since I need to sleep, waking up early toajfsd........ zzz

I just graduated, which means I'm certified to take on the world, apply what I've learned and strive to be somebody. The problem is, I don't think I can use my training nor do I want to. 

I graduated with a degree in Communication Arts, studied Film and its production. My niche is Production Design or Production Management, and I can say I'm not at all bad at these things. What I don't like about it is that film production is too physically tiring, often frustrating and highly demanding of team effort, which is a turn off because I've experienced in film production that there will always be people who would be less than professional. They will be late during shoots. They will be divas. We all have the right to be divas sometimes, and that can be fun,  but things go a little too crazy when you have three divas in the set or one diva becomes slightly hard to deal with, which means more time wasted. And time is money, and usually, the ones who lose the most money are people like me, the PDs and the PMs. Well, there will always be people who aren't professional everywhere. This I experienced when I had my practicum and temp job, but I now feel that the cons outweighs the pros in filmmaking since it requires too much teamwork, patience and understanding.

Film will always be close to my heart, of course. I enjoy watching, critiquing although I cannot write very well so that's a problem. 

Right now, I still have the following cards on my table: 
1. Artist (Painter/Illustrator) 

I've always wanted to live from what I love doing, and that's is to draw. I have to admit though, this doesn't sound like a very lucrative endeavor. To get somewhere, I may have to do the following: 

           a. Study art in a university. This will provide me skills, connections and a venue to show what I can do. With a degree in art, I can also teach or apply for an art management job. 
           b. Attend art events and meet people. This means self-promotion and making new friends. This may be time consuming and I might not like the people I would meet, but I have to immerse myself in the art community. 
           c. Find an art-related job such as work for an organization advocating the arts, a gallery or for a person who could also take me as an apprentice. 
           d. Make a portfolio and find publications in need of artists.
            
2. Photographer

I enjoy taking photos. In addition, though it caters to a wider audience or it's highly consumer dependent, a huge amount of creativity is still required. I would like to own my own studio in the future or become a staple in magazines and other publications. An art photographer or an artist who uses photographs as medium doesn't sound so bad also. To become a more commercial  photographer, I have to

          a. Become an apprentice to a photographer. I can learn on the job, meet connections and build my portfolio. 
          b. Build a portfolio. After building a portfolio, I can start applying as a contributor for several magazines. 
          c. Take on projects. X-deals, small gigs and the like may not pay enough, but it would get my work out there. 
          d. Study photography abroad. I'm looking at Singapore for this or Hong Kong. These countries may not be US or Europe, but they are more consumer driven than the Philippines. They are more fashion forward I believe, if you want to go into fashion photography, and the West looks at these countries more. The degree would also make my resume prettier. It's also a chance to make connections abroad. The problem is money.  

3. Member of the editorial staff in a magazine

I worked for a small publishing company for my internship last summer, and though I didn't enjoy the actual management job that much, I enjoyed the conceptualization, the writing and other creative facets of it. I got to experience taking photos, illustrating as well. I am good at organizing stuff and sticking to deadlines. I do not mind meeting people. The problem here is that unless someone with the higher position dies or quits, you won't get promoted. With this kind of job, you still need to have a niche. For me, I guess it'd be taking photos, directing shoots, illustration or design. The good thing about this job is that it's pretty stable. 

            a. Make a portfolio. A photography and illustrations/design portfolio might not be too much of a problem, but I would have troubles building a portfolio for written works. I'm really not much of a writer. I have good ideas, but putting them into words has always been my weakness. I didn't do much for the school publications also so I don't have published works outside OJT. Magazines need good writers. 
            b. Find a good publications company. I have to find a company that would provide me transportation when I need to go somewhere. Really, this is not a high-paying job that requires so much mobility, and my gas budget would swell big time. Most publication companies are in Ortigas also. The parking fees there are huge (not as big as fees in Makati, I think)! I would need to commute. 

4. Art Manager/ Cultural Worker 

I cannot manage myself as an artist, but I think I can manage other people. I also like advocacy work. Promoting art, for me, is just as important as creating art. I am really a big supporter of the arts. This job may also open doors for me as an artist.

             a. Study Art Management or Art. A degree, I think, is necessary for me to be hired by institutions or organizations that do art management. A friend told me that they don't just let any people handle the art pieces. You have to be trained to do so. I might be able to learn while doing the job, but getting the job is the problem. Connections, again, are important. Studying would also give me connections. 
             b. Intern in a gallery or an institution dedicated to cultural work. If they would hire me. 

5. Business Owner 

In the future, I would like to have my own business, my pet project. It doesn't have to be big. It doesn't have to be now. But I'd want it to be my own. I could have partners also, but it is ours. We are the bosses. I think this is attractive because it's somewhat the same as my desire to earn from my doing what I like doing or from doing what I can do, making something with my own hands. "Sariling Atin!" To achieve this, we have to do the following:

               a. Work. We need a capital. We can loan, but we have to have a means to pay it back just in case something goes wrong. 
               b. Find a good product or service to offer. I already have ideas in mind, but they would need a relatively big capital.
               c. Make a good business plan. I still do not know how to do this, but I feel that this is necessary. Businesses don't just become hits. A lot of them die within the year they've been established. 
               d. Find good partners. I need people I can trust, people who are as driven, people who have the same vision. I think spotting these people would be the hard part. I don't know where to find them, and I don't know how to recognize them.
               e. Make connections. I need people who would provide raw materials, specific services, etc. 
               f. Find a good location. This, I think, is as important as finding something good to offer.  

I am actually tempted to start a business sooner. We are young and we can still fail. Starting a business early maybe beneficial also since the business can grow with me. Also, I can dedicate all my time and attention to it now. Businesses are like babies. I might not have the time for it in the future. 


Regarding Teaching

I've already thrown being an educator out the window. Maybe I would teach someday, but teach art, photography, communications or business, something I have experienced already. I do not want to teach children even though I do like children. Teaching Literature or Art to these younglings is also very frustrating. I have to quit my part-time teaching job. Gosh, I need balls to do that. I've actually said I can stay with them until October, but it looks like the teaching job could hinder me from finding another job. 

What I have to do first and foremost is to decide what I want to do. Do i want to be an artist, a photographer, a cultural worker, a publications person or a business owner? I am still weighing the pros and cons as well. I think I'll make a diagram, map things out.  

My Dad, Mom, sister and I went to visit this patch of calamansi farm my dad bought a few years back. Although getting there was tough, it has a great view of Naujan Lake. We also did a bit of harvesting, a different experience for me. I had the chance to harvest cotton and vegetables from my grandfather's farm in Ilocos, but the Mindoro soil is more damp and less solid and packed so I got a bit dirty after. 

It has been a really packed summer for me, but I'm still looking forward to staying busy although in a different way. I'm getting a bit tired of vacationing and traveling. Plus I have to find a job soon since I still don't have money to start my own business (original plan). I also would like to save for some other things like a better camera. I'm thinking of doing something related to photography or magazine. I would like to do art/drawing-related jobs, but I have less confidence in my artworks than in my knowledge in mass media, which I, of course, being a Communications graduate, have experience in. 

Anyway, these may be the last "vacation" photos I'll be posting in a while. I hope you enjoy them!



Comments are welcome!

First, I am very sorry for the two-in-day post, but the stuff that needs to be posted are still piling up. Like what I have said in the previous journal entry, from Macau, we went to Hong Kong, came home just for election day then hopped in the car for a 10-12 hour drive to Batac, Ilocos Norte, my father's hometown. Well, it's has been a city for a while. 

Along the way, we visited other places as well such as Vigan and Currimao, which sort of increased our travel time. We made a quick beach walk at Pangil, Currimao before finally to Talon, Batac, where my grandparents' house is. We also made an accidental side trip  to my Tita's new beach house also in Currimao.

I know I said my camera lenses are busted, but I still have one left; a telephoto lens which let me take a few portraits. Sometimes, my kit lens cooperated and I was able to take two seascapes. The other photos are taken with my Dad's point-and-shoot. I really need to get my lenses fixed. :(